Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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