this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
