dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Send help, water and tortillas.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
