shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
