You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
