all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
