cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
