I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
