I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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