So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
