I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
God, you're like boner-b-gone
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
