May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
