finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
