you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
