Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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