Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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