Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
