Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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