Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
