I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
