Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
