dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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