Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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