i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
