Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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