bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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