I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you win again, gameday.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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