I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
