There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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