Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
