Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
