my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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