I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
