Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Green mimosas i think yes
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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