Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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