Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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