well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
