Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I need to align my fucking chakras
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