feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
