i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
