Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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