I accidentally had phone sex last night
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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