Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
