my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
