dude i'm inner monologue high
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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