Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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