The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
