Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i've created a new STD.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
