I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
