she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
