your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
