You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
