I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
