I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
